re: somewhere between me and the other side

before i left minnesota, izzy and i sat in a restaurant and split two salads, mushroom ravioli, and a mountain of tiramisu. it had been over a year since we last saw each other, yet all week we were our exact selves: trolling each other to tears, switching off our youngest sibling energies. there were baati tying instructions, hot cheetos in bed, pausing the tv to roll our eyes in an alliance of disgust. after our last dinner, we sat by the lake and shared a little silence. i didn’t mean to but i began naming each boat in the water after family, holding small ceremonies for the sails — i love you, i pray for you, be well — it wasn’t until mom’s mom, the scorpio, turned her frame away from me that i realized i hadn’t named one after you.

all year i’ve been questioning god. i’m not mad — i’m just curious about the cardinals. as soon as i started believing, they appeared everywhere. i’m curious about what made me listen to extraordinary machine 6 weeks in a row. who is it that keeps masking their face in my dreams while saving me from the falling tree, the fbi agents, the house party? last year, i dreamt of you, as you, for the first time. i saw only the back of your head. we were on a drive together and i was on the floor of the backseat, pawing at the middle console but you never looked back at me.

marvin, i don’t know how close we are anymore because i stopped writing poems where i am you. i am not sure i ever knew where you were. even when i said my mania, my moon, my brother. and that night, by the lake, i grew concerned that you have been stuck somewhere between my body and the other side so i tried to call out to you. all i could say was

maybe i should move to minneapolis

izzy responded

what do you think god will do with all of this?

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