Destiny on Default

I never believed in destiny, because I didn’t want to believe that anything other than I, could control my fate. But these days, I find myself wishing on stars, avoiding walking under ladders and carefully blowing eyelashes. With every wish, I close my eyes and let all my hope gather in the entirety of my heart. I don’t tell anyone my wishes — partly because they may laugh at me, but mostly because that means they won’t come true.

See what you’ve done to me? You’ve got me believing in miracles.

You need miracles when your life’s become a ticking time bomb and every day brings you closer to being tethered, inescapably to a life you’re not sure you want.

I didn’t know relationships were anchors.

I won’t blame you for leaving, as long as you don’t blame me for waiting on that miracle.

Call it instinct, intuition, sixth sense, karma or kismet but you don’t just fall into someone’s life that way. Of all the people who ever walked this trail, why was it that you lingered?

See what you’ve done again? You’ve got me hoping for that damn miracle. A small spiderweb frail string of hope that could explain the reasons why the universe brought you to me. At this exact juncture, when I didn’t need you.

But I don’t have the answers. Just the questions that keep me awake on hot, summer nights.

How many times before the head between my chest feels as familiar as you were to me? Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can imagine it’s you. And on the better days, I swear I can still smell you in my hair.

Will it be on a similar sticky, sleepless night, years from now, that I’ll reach across the covers for you. And in that moment, would I be repulsed or relieved that it isn’t you?

I’ve never said it to you before, but I can say it here. I love you. Aloud. I LOVE YOU — because over here, they’ll never know it’s YOU, not you I’m talking to.

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